Waiting.

Currently, I am in transition out of a rather severely depressed mental state to a less despondent mode of operation. During this time period, I find it difficult to do very much of anything, and what I can do doesn't seem to be done very well. It has taken me nearly twenty minutes to write even this much, and every word seems to hit the page like a stone. Usually, I am able to write with a fair amount of ease, but now it is a slow, plodding process. To worsen matters, I am dissatisfied with everything I write, so much so that I am tempted to erase this post as I have done with several others. Yet I feel obligated to at least offer an explanation for the sudden dearth of new stories and other works, so I will post this piece despite its shortcomings.

It may seem strange that I find these periods of transition nearly as intolerable as my darkest depressive episodes. Utter despair and hopelessness are not exactly enjoyable, but at least they offer me a source of creativity. From the shadows I can pull some of my best work, and because writing serves as an outlet, the dark times have become more bearable. On the opposite side of depression, I have periods where I am clear headed and capable of thinking critically. During these times, I can formulate more intricate plot lines, and, while these stories are typically less emotive than my depressed writings, they are longer and more involving of the reader. In between these two states however is a sort of creativity desert. I am neither pulled by dark thoughts nor pushed by rational analysis. There is simply no motive, and hence my words become immobile. This is what I hate, this lack of ability that confines me on all sides.

Adding to this frustration is the ambiguity of the change’s direction; my moments of transition do not always proceed in a progressive fashion. Sometimes instead of entering a more “normal” state, I will swing back into a depressive episode. In those instances the transition was nothing more than an interlude. Timing is also another disagreeable factor. I can never tell how long a transitional period will last, or for that matter, how long either of my dominant emotional states will persist. All I can do is endure each stage as it happens and recognize the arrival of a new one. It is certain that the transitional period is the shortest duration of my three stages, but it can vary between a few days to more than a week. This current instance seems to be relatively more persistent than most, which leads me to suspect that I am approaching its endpoint. Of course, I do not know on which side I will find myself, but in either case my writing should become more consistent.

So bear with me as I bear with myself. I have so many stories hiding away, and in short time I will begin revealing them once again. Either fast or slow, time is a burdensome companion that listens to no one and gives orders to everyone.