Response to a hate filled woman.

Like most, I have received more than enough emails expressing disdain for President Obama and his administration. Some are nothing more than cherry-picked examples of things that he has done wrong or gaffs he has made. Many are simply racist. Most are made up of lies. Recently, I was forwarded an essay written by someone named Maureen Scoot that was so ridiculously constructed and filled with such vitriolic drivel that I felt compelled to respond. If you want, take a moment to read her essay here: http://www.renewamerica.com/columns/scott/130301. It is hard to read through it without laughing, and she basically repeats the same thing over and over again. In any event, Ms. Scott is clearly uniformed and does not seem inclined change her close-minded and false views. She is deliberately malicious, and as I will reveal, a liar. I want to be clear that I am not an Obama devotee. He has done many things that I find deplorable, but my issues are with his policies. I disagree with some of things he has done; I do not hate the man nor do I think that he is out to destroy our democracy. Any person who can get elected as President is so thoroughly vetted by the primaries and actual election campaigns that the notion that an "anti-American" is now in the Oval Office is beyond belief. Apparently, Ms. Scott needs to be reacquainted with reality, assuming that she was ever familiar with it in the first place.

Let me begin with the actual definition of a demagogue. According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary a demagogue is "a leader who makes use of popular prejudices and false claims and promises in order to gain power," or "a leader championing the cause of the common people in ancient times." In other words, it is someone who uses peoples' fears, prejudices, or popular opinion to obtain and hold onto power. Based on the description provided by Ms. Scott, President Obama is anything but a demagogue. According to her, Obama works against the popular ideas of the people and advocates for the decline of the country. Clearly, this is not a demagogue. Rather, her message is that the President of the United States hates America and wants to destroy it. This is patently false, and her claims are unsupported by any evidence. Moreover, despite her claims to the contrary, Ms. Scott's essay is nothing more than thinly veiled racism. It is the classic example of "he is different, therefore he is not to be trusted." 

Instead of simply being forthright and saying that she just doesn't like the President, Ms. Scott uses an ad hominem attack against Obama in a poor attempt to portray him as a bad President. Not once does she mention any actual policies, laws, or actions. She begins by planting the false idea that President Obama was raised by a family that taught him to hate America. Nothing can be further from the truth. First, for the first 10 years of his life, Obama was raised by his white Mother, Ann Dunham, who was from Wichita, Kansas. True, Obama's father was a Kenyan, but his father left before Barack was a year old and only visited his son once before he was killed in a car accident in 1982. Barack was born in Hawaii, but his mother (after divorcing Barack's father) remarried and moved to Indonesia to be with her new husband. For two years, Barack went to a Catholic School and then went to a secular, public school. At no point did he ever receive any indoctrination against America. When he was 10, Barack went to live with his maternal grandparents (again, they are white), Madelyn and Stanley Dunham. Stanley Dunham served in World War II with the 1830th Ordnance Supply and Maintenance Company. I doubt that a WWII vet would teach his grandson to "hate" America. Barack went to a college prep school from age 10 until he graduated high school. Remember, this was in Hawaii. Where along this time would he have been exposed to negative ideas about the U.S.? Who would have taught him to be resentful of America? The answer: no one.

As for Ms. Scott's claims that the President is "void of emotion" when it comes to the U.S., I'd like to offer several examples that refute this idea. First, as a community organizer in Chicago, Barack showed great compassion for the poor and under-served. He set up job training programs, tutoring programs, and other types of assistance. At the time he was earning a pittance, and only someone who truly cares would make the kind of financial sacrifice that Barack did. After law school, Barack taught constitutional law at the University of Chicago and was also a civil rights attorney, again showing his commitment to both the rules of the country and the citizens themselves. During his first presidential campaign, Mr. Obama praised the U.S. and its people many times. Here are just a few examples from some of his speeches (emphasis added):

"It is that promise that has always set this country apart - that through hard work and sacrifice, each of us can pursue our individual dreams but still come together as one American family, to ensure that the next generation can pursue their dreams as well."

"We measure progress by how many people can find a job that pays the mortgage; whether you can put a little extra money away at the end of each month so you can someday watch your child receive her college diploma."

"Instead, it is that American spirit - that American promise - that pushes us forward even when the path is uncertain; that binds us together in spite of our differences; that makes us fix our eye not on what is seen, but what is unseen, that better place around the bend."

"Thank you, and God bless America."

"This belief comes from my unyielding faith in the decency and generosity of the American people."

True, President Obama pointed out the short-comings of the U.S. and things that could be improved. That's because he wanted to improve them. "Yes we can!" meant that we as people can work to make this country even better than it is. If you think that this country is perfect then you are delusional. When Barack states that something is wrong with the country, he is not saying that everything is wrong with the country. When you love something you want to see it succeed and achieve its potential, and the U.S. still has so much more potential. The President knows this and works towards making America better. He has made mistakes, even lied, but what president hasn't? Remember the Iran-Contra Affair? Watergate? How about "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." Or WMDs in Iraq. President's aren't perfect, but screwing up doesn't mean you hate the country. President Obama has never done anything to compromise America's dominance over every other country on the planet. 

Ms. Scott calls the President "haughty," but his apparently "cold" demeanor would be called "stoic" in anyone else. Make no mistake, the President has shed tears for the people of this country. He was visibly tearful after the school shooting in Connecticut, as he was at the late Senator Inouye's funeral. He clearly was emotional when he thanked his campaign staff after the election. With heartfelt words, he praised the troops at Arlington Field on Memorial Day. The list goes on. 

Ultimately, the reason President Obama is called the most divisive president in our history (which in itself is ridiculous considering that the country split in two under Lincoln), is that the people are so divided. Most Republicans never gave him a chance and allowed their own prejudices to color their view of the President. Obama's detractors don't listen to his words or policies; they just see an angry black man. It is one thing to disagree on politics. This is fine and is a healthy part of the democratic process. But when a large portion of the country refuses to see past their own biases and would rather see the country immobilized on nearly every front, things have gone past the point of normal, political disagreement and entered into the realm of intractable hatred for anyone who holds an opposing view. 

The President did not and does not want to divide the country. The people did that on their own. Ms. Scott is just another knife in a drawer full of extremists seeking to further cleave this country in half. Her words are destructive, false, contradictory, and misguided. She herself seems to be filled with the vitriol and spite that she attributes to the President. Patriotism is not some blind devotion to a mythical, idealized notion of what America once was. Patriotism means putting aside our differences in order to work together for the betterment of the country. That is love for the U.S., and it is something that the President has advocated since day one.

You Don't Deal with Monsters; You Slay Them.

People make life-altering decisions all the time. Take this job, move to this city, marry this person, etc. Most people however, are not faced with a decision between life and death. Unfortunately, I now find myself, once again, face to face with this choice. Fortunately, the decision is really very simple: I choose to live. What this decision entails is anything but simple or easy. 

As I have previously written, I have been struggling with eating disorders for over half my life. What began as anorexia, morphed into bulimia, and has finally transformed into something so all-controlling and hideous that it has robbed me of a life and left me physically incapacitated. Undoubtedly, I have have made strides of improvement, but the monster still remains. Consequently, my health and ultimately my life are still in jeopardy. 

I am sick of this. 

I am sick of feeling like crap all of the time. I am sick of feeling so emotionally drained that I cannot engage in normal social interactions. I am sick of being out of control while living under the illusion that I am. I know where all of my physical and psychological problems arise from, and I am going to stamp it out once and for all. 

I know that I will never have a normal relationship with food. Like an alcoholic or drug user, I will also be someone with a disease. But the alcoholic or druggie has it comparatively easy compared to me. No one needs alcohol or drugs, so strict avoidance is relatively easy to achieve. Food, on the other hand, presents a problem. I have to eat to live, so I must expose myself to the very thing that is my addiction. Knowing this, my solution is to stop thinking of food as food. Rather, I have to think of food as medicine that is necessary for me to get and stay well. I have been doing this for almost a year now, and as a result I have gained over 30 pounds. Now 150 lbs at 5'10" I am in the healthy weight range, and I hope to continue to increase my weight as I gain muscle mass. 

This is all well and good, but I am continuing to undermine myself by succumbing to the Siren song of food as the enemy. This type of food instigates binge-purge episodes that go on for hours. It is the type of food that breaks me down and renders me incapable of controlling myself. It is the destroyer, but I now know that I can in fact break its hold on me. I have done "trial periods" of up to a week where I avoid any binge-purge episodes. With further incentives, I know that I can give up this behavior indefinitely. I have established these incentives:

By abandoning my self-destructive behavior I will: 
Reclaim my personal life.
Put an end to the physical problems that plague me.
Free up so much time to pursue further academic endeavors.

Finally, I am going to do something rather drastic, but it will serve as daily reminder that I never want to return to the darkness. I am going to undergo a bilateral parotidectomy. Allow me to explain what this means. First of all, the parotid glands are the salivary glands on the sides of the face that normally go unnoticed. These are the same glands that become enlarged in children with mumps. One of the repercussions of constant, forced vomiting is that the parotid glands very noticeably swell or hypertrophy. Often this becomes a permanent deformity that gives a person's face a pronounced bloated look around the jaw line. This is the case with my own parotid glands. As a result, every time that I look in the mirror I see the damage I have inflicted upon myself. A parotidectomy is the removal of the superficial portion of the parotid gland, and undergoing this procedure will return my face to its normal proportions. It will also serve as a powerful incentive to never again engage in purging behaviors. 

New behaviors, a new face, a reclaimed life. Despite my periods of deep depression and dismal outlook on life in general, I do not want to die. Things can and will get better, and a step up from the bottom is still an improvement worth pursuing.  

My Entry for NPR's 3-minute Fiction, Round 11, "Finders Keepers"

Reclaimed Dreams

There was absolutely no logical reason for them to be there, but nevertheless there they were. Perfectly placed at the bottom of locker number 23 in the women’s changing room were a pair of seemingly brand new Air Jordan’s. Kate almost didn’t see them as she stuffed her duffel bag inside, hurrying to get into the pool before the seniors took over. But the flash of red and black caught her eye, and when she recognized the familiar swoosh on their sides, she let out an audible gasp.

Before she even realized what she was doing, her hands snatched up the sneakers, unzipped her duffel bag, and shoved the pair underneath her jeans and t-shirt. Her swimming routine forgotten, Kate quickly dashed from the changing room.

“Slow down Kate. Act natural,” she told herself. She forced herself into a casual walk but suddenly became aware that she was still in her swimsuit. “Oh, who cares. People walk out of here without changing all the time. No one will even notice,” she thought.

She slinked past the YMCA’s front desk, praying that the attendant wouldn’t notice that her hair wasn’t even damp, and in a moment’s time was out the front doors and into the parking lot. Unable to contain herself any longer, Kate bolted to her car, threw her bag on the passenger seat and locked the car doors.

With the adrenaline wearing off, Kate returned to her senses. “What am doing? I can’t just swipe someone’s shoes just because of stupid flashback.” But with that thought she felt compelled to look at them once more. She slowly opened the duffel bag, filled with a sense of regret, knowing full well that once her eyes fell upon those laces she’d never be able to give them back.

They were an exact duplicate of the pair she had worn all through her highschool basketball career. She always had big feet, and girl shoes just never seemed to fit properly. The other players used to tease her about them until that day she stepped out onto the court wearing those bad-boys. Air Jordan’s? Man, you could practically smell their envy. They were her trademark, borrowed from the greatest basketball player of all time of course, and she felt invincible every time she put them on for a game.

Until they failed her. Coming down hard after a lay-up, Kate felt that sickening pop as her ankle gave out and she crumpled to the ground in agony. When she got out of the hospital, Kate had been so furious with herself and the world that she threw away those shoes like they were cursed. But it really wasn’t the shoes’ fault. If that big oaf, Stacy Hildebrant, hadn’t gotten in the way she would have landed fine. Then she would have gone on to play college-ball, maybe have even gone pro. Instead, she ended up with six pins in her foot and spoiled dreams.

Returning to the present, Kate realized she had been crying. That future that never was still haunted her, but for some strange reason holding those shoes now gave her comfort. Whoever had left them in that locker was careless, and didn’t deserve them in the first place. She would give them their proper respect and make sure they stayed like new forever. Besides, Kate knew that they weren’t just sneakers; they were a time-machine to a past where she was a superstar and her prospects were boundless and full of promise.